Day 1:
I honestly do not know what to say since I'm forcing myself to write this - I meant to begin writing this yesterday, but I have not had free time until Thursday, by which I mean only sort of busy. That speaks volumes about my workload, doesn't it? Two midterms and one take-home midterm can be dealt with only a loss of free time. I anxiously want to sip a class or two so I can study more, but then I would lose participation points or fail a recitation or something. I want to just study in class and try to be productive in that way. I'm freaking out - time grows short - and I am sick - sickening dread fights preparation.
Day 2:
[Random chemistry notes since one of my friends is a doofus.]
I'm so stressed that I can't string my thoughts together. It's been a few days since I last wrote the first paragraph of this freaking journal. It's as if I cannot do anything else. I want to do fun things as a break - fun but productive things - but I barely have time for anything. This journal will seem silly, but doesn't everything if you have the time to stop and think about it? I want that luxury - silliness is definitely wanted here, but it is not allowed. It might even save a life or a mind.
Day 3:
Likewise, it's obvious that this part was written on the third day. Now my views will be retrospective but hopefully still insightful. My feelings of stress were compounded into depression and doubt - basically an inability to see that hope driving me along. Determination pulled me through, I find. Even when I had to study for one test solely the day before, I managed to keep myself moving with that goal; I was stressed yeah, but I didn't see the world in a dismal manner. My midterms seemed to be a break from destructive stress and emotion. There I could apply what I know and definitively ease the pain I felt. I set my frustrations aside and had clear thought during the tests. It was the build-up to the tests and the aftermath that ultimately stung. This week is the time that your stress can become a vehicle of something else - it becomes a pedestal. During this week I lost a general sense of clarity, but it wasn't the tests that got to me - it was the stress and the emotion. Something more destructive yet sinister struck - the onset of heavy emotion.
I suppose the stress does make one very susceptible to such feelings. A reduced ability to alleviate stress ultimately hurt my mental and emotional wellness. I was simultaneously cognizant of my ineffective work habits yet it was too busy of a time to fix them. Time itself falls apart during this week, completely hindering any progress.
Even on Tuesday my stress had already mounted upon itself, creating a mountain out of what was an anthill. I walked into a metal doorway on Tuesday and though the pain was notable the psychological impact was much more severe, alerting me to my latent resentment and sadness. Midterms week - I repeat - did not cause me to feel this way but it provided the stressful backdrop. I'm not sure precisely how a physical action impacts the thoughts of the brain. I do know that I reawakened a part of myself, one that is catalyzed by stress to a degree where the stress brought out part of my "true" nature. As I said, the tests themselves were times of concentration: my motivation is one of the few things that kept me going, that keep me going. After what i must call "The Doorway" I felt everything bear down on me. That is why motivation was the one thing that kept me going. Having the faith and emotional strength to tackle other things is beyond me, especially after that last week. I am drained in so many ways. I want that to end, but I fear my inherent humanity - my will to thrive - is all that governs the continuation of my journey.
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